


begin again

by brookwrites



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Strangers to Lovers, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:36:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21782725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brookwrites/pseuds/brookwrites
Summary: dan is struggling to move on from an abusive relationship, and that struggle grows when, for the first time, he feels ready to. he doesn't seem to understand anyone actually caring for him, but phil does, and he doesn't know how to handle it. (based off the song "begin again" by taylor swift!)
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 10
Kudos: 20
Collections: Phandom Fic Fests Holiday Exchange 2019





	begin again

**Author's Note:**

  * For [completelyuncreative2](https://archiveofourown.org/users/completelyuncreative2/gifts).

> thanks to @i-might-just-leave-soon on tumblr for being my beta! and rachel, i hope you enjoy my angsty winter plot as much as i did :) happy holidays!

Dan looked at himself in the mirror and counted the regrets he had about this day. Firstly, he shouldn’t have agreed to this date in the first place. He’d only said yes because Phil was the fifth boy Addi had tried to set him up with, and he was sick of her nagging him about eight months being “too long”. 

“Maybe if you just opened up to her, she wouldn’t be such an asshole anymore, AND you wouldn’t have to do things you don't want to do,” he said to himself, trying to decide if he hated his outfit enough to change before he left. 

He looked at his heels and felt mixed emotions; he couldn’t quite place why, but heels gave him confidence. Still, he heard Don’s voice in his head, groaning every time he saw Dan wear heels. “You’ll get beat up for wearing that,” he’d say flatly. “That’s my job.” 

Dan shuddered and gave up, grabbing his keys and closing the door behind him. The walk down to the street from his apartment seemed longer than usual today; it usually did when he had far too much to think about. He finally reached his car and hooked up the aux, and immediately a Troye Sivan song started playing. He smiled for a moment and bopped to the song, but he soon stopped as another memory came flooding in. “Why do you listen to that? It’s so damn soft,” Don growled, and Dan could hear him as if he was sitting in the passenger seat. 

“I like the music,” he remembered himself saying to the man he regretted calling his boyfriend. “It’s really not that soft. Besides, I feel like in a different world, Troye and I could be friends.” 

Don rolled his eyes in Dan’s mind. “That’s so fucking stupid,” he said, drawing closer. Usually stories like these would end in a cute kiss, but this one was different. Don was different. When he called something stupid, he didn’t say it playfully--he said it maliciously. 

Dan shook his head and came back to reality. He’d been driving for a couple blocks, and it was a miracle at that point that he hadn’t crashed. The coffee shop he’d agreed to meet Phil at was just down the street, so he parked and started his walk towards his doom. Perhaps that was a little much, he thought, but he didn’t expect much better. He’d be surprised if Phil even showed up; thinking honestly, he wondered why anyone would show up for him. 

He tried to take a deep breath before entering the cafe, but he could barely manage it with how fast his heart was beating. He opened the door, and before he could even scan the room, there was a man he could only assume was Phil emphatically waving at him from across the room. “At least Addi told one of us what the other looks like,” he grumbled before faking a smile. “I’m Dan!” he said, perhaps too peppy. 

“I’m Phil! It’s great to meet you,” he responded, somehow more enthusiastic than Dan was pretending to be. Dan couldn’t help but think he must be desperate. Not only was he far too excited, but he was far too excited about DAN. Nobody was excited about him, including and especially himself, but Phil seemed to be. Of course Addi managed to set him up with someone who had three times as much energy as him. “Here,” Phil said, pulling out his chair so he could sit. 

“What is this, 1950?” Dan said under his breath, but he couldn’t help but feel cared for. It was the first time in a long, long time that he’d felt anything even similar to that. 

“What?” Phil asked, taking his own seat.” 

“Oh, nothing.” There was a second’s worth of silence, but it felt to Dan like an eternity. Even if he hadn’t had a horrible experience with his last boyfriend, this alone would be enough to keep him off dating for eight months. 

“So...tell me about yourself!” Phil rested his face on his hands, looking as if he was prepared to cling onto every word Dan said. Dan would have looked at this sight for ages, had he not panicked searching for something to say. 

“Umm… I’m 28, I identify as queer, and I’ve lived in London for seven years and yet I still choose to drive. I guess I just hate myself that much.” Phil laughed much harder than he should have at that. Either that or Dan just didn’t understand why anyone would laugh at his jokes at all. 

“I’m Phil, I’m 32, I identify as gay, and I think if you really hated yourself you’d brave the Underground on a daily basis.” 

“Oh, fuck, I’m SO sorry. When I end up in hell, that’ll be the majority of my torture,” Dan said, surprised after the words left his mouth. He hadn’t spoken without thinking since about midway through his six-month relationship with Don. By then he’d learned that every word had consequences. 

Phil laughed again, and Dan noticed him poke his tongue out in between his teeth. It was, yet again, adorable, and Dan couldn’t help but feel a little bit attracted to him. He supposed that was the point of dating, but Dan really wasn’t looking to become attached to a nice guy. The last time that happened, he turned out to be the exact opposite of a nice guy. “Don’t worry, I’ll be right there with you in hell,” Phil responded. 

“Woah,” Dan said, his tone cheery but his anxiety screaming inside of him, “I’ve only known you for five minutes. You can’t invite me to your eternity until at least the fifth date.” Why was he saying any of this? He didn’t want another date--not because he didn’t like Phil--he just couldn’t handle getting hurt again. In any way. 

“Ah,” Phil breathed, grinning, “I’ll wait.” He paused for a moment before glancing over to the counter and then focusing back on Dan. “Coffee?” 

Dan nodded, although he couldn’t help but wonder why they’d decided to go to a cafe at dusk on a Wednesday. It wasn’t exactly the smartest first date, but he was personally an idiot, so it made enough sense to him. 

They ordered their coffee and stood silently as they waited for the baristas to make their drinks. Dan couldn’t help but take the time to soak in Phil’s face...Phil’s presence...just Phil. He always seemed to have a joyful feeling about him, as if he radiated light in the darkness that Dan felt like he’d become. His blueish-greenish eyes were smiling along with his face, and he was rocking back and forth on his feet just because he had so much energy that he had to move somehow. Dan could tell his brown hair was dyed, as he could see red roots poking out from the bottom of his quiff, but he found it endearing. Maybe one day he could convince him to go red again--Dan loved redheads. 

Dan shook his head as Phil stepped forward to claim his coffee. Was he picturing a future with Phil? He couldn’t, even if he wanted to. It was all too much. Dan took his coffee and went back to their table, attempting to ignore how quickly he was falling for the man who sat across from him. 

“You know, Dan,” Phil said, taking a sip of his warm coffee. Dan couldn’t help but grin at the way he was cradling the warm cup in his hands. “I like you. I don’t know what it is, but you just have this strong spirit about you that makes me want to be around you more. I know that’s a really big bomb to drop only a few minutes into the first date, but I really want to see you again.” 

Dan sat in thought for a minute. He could drop a much bigger bomb, and he almost wanted to. Gazing at Phil as he waited nervously for a response, he felt more comfortable than he’d been around anyone in around a year, and he’d only known the man for a few minutes. He had to bite his lip to stop himself from letting it all out, but even as he opened his mouth, something in him changed and allowed him to speak his true feelings. That too was something he hadn’t done in as long as he had remembered. 

“I really like you too. You have such a bright, caring energy, and I haven’t felt this comfortable around someone in...a while. But I just feel like you deserve better than the broken piece of shit that I am.” Dan flinched, his hand almost moving to cover his mouth after that last sentence. He hadn’t expected to say anything like that, but when you don’t speak your mind for long enough, you find yourself speaking it too much. 

He watched as Phil’s heart broke a little for him, and Phil reached out across the table to take Dan’s hands in his. Dan pulled back, his fists clenching and his entire body tensing up. “I-I’m sorry,” Dan said, shaking a bit. The touch of Phil’s hands on his, even for a split second, nearly sent him over the edge. 

“I’m sorry too,” Phil said, his eyes wide with concern and caution. “I didn’t mean to hurt you in any way.” 

Neither did he... at first. 

“I just want you to know that I think you’re absolutely incredible, and you deserve the world in happiness. And I’m willing to do my best to give it to you.” Phil smiled at him, just a little bit, and Dan began to untense. He meant what he said earlier; he was more comfortable around Phil than he logically should be, and that remained true, even after whatever the hell just happened to Dan. “Are you okay?” Phil asked, and Dan nodded, looking up at him and taking a deep breath. “I’m glad. So...what do you do for a living?” 

~~

“No way! I saw Muse in 2009 too!” Dan exclaimed, so engrossed in conversation that he’d nearly forgotten everything that had happened before. 

“We were at the same show ten years ago and we didn’t even know it? That’s terrifying,” Phil said, and Dan could feel the existentialism kicking in, but Phil continued and knocked him out of it. “Favorite album on 3. 1, 2, 3-” 

“Origin of Symmetry!” they both shouted at the same time, and they were immediately giggling like schoolgirls, and for the first time, Dan didn’t care about the people around them who he knew were staring. He was happy, and nothing was going to ruin it. 

“Number of albums you own,” Dan inquired, “1, 2, 3-seven!” 

“Six!” 

“Aha!” Dan shouted far too loud for their environment. “Which one don’t you have?”

“The newest one. You know streaming exists now, right?” 

Dan rolled his eyes. “True fans buy albums. I’m a bigger Muse fan than you are,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. “Sorry, I don’t make the rules.” 

Phil did a slight bow in his seat. “I salute thee. I haven’t met anyone who owns more records than I do.” 

Dan smiled and cocked his head. “Well, now you have.” 

~~

A few overly loud conversations later, Phil was walking Dan back to his car. Dan was disgruntled about this, feeling as if Phil only did it because he thought Dan was emotionally unstable, but Dan didn’t mind spending as much time with Phil as possible before they had to part. Every step they took closer to the car, Dan felt a sinking feeling in his stomach grow. He hadn’t felt this happy since the beginning of his relationship with Don, and he didn’t know how he’d feel once he was no longer in Phil’s presence. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to deal with it. 

They reached his car, and Phil stood awkwardly for a moment before looking into Dan’s eyes and asking, slowly and carefully, “Can I hug you? It’s okay if you say no.” He looked Phil up and down for a moment, examining every little detail of him in that moment. He stood in a non-threatening stance, his arms out in front of him with his palms open. His eyes were kind and almost longing, and he waited intently for Dan’s decision as if nothing in the world mattered more to him.

It was only then that it occurred to him that Dan’s decision really did matter to him more than anything else in that moment. Phil truly cared about him, even though he’d only known him for a little over an hour, and he even seemed to care more about what Dan wanted than about what he wanted himself.

Dan took a step back, but not because he was refusing Phil’s embrace. It was an instinctive step, something he simply did during his sudden realization that everything Don had done to him had been affecting him the entire date, and, really, his entire life since it happened. He hadn’t opened up to anyone, and he hadn’t been anything like himself for months. Every time anyone tried to be vulnerable around him, he forced himself to think analytically, as if his life depended on it, and evaluate every little thing that person did or said, or even just how they appeared, just because he’d been forced by his horrible excuse of an ex-boyfriend to live his life in fear. It had been eight months since Dan finally escaped him, and he was done living his life in fear. 

“Oh…” Phil trailed off, noticing Dan’s step. “That’s alright. I’ll let you-”

“No!” Dan blurted out, decidedly ceasing his endless thoughts and finally just doing one damn thing that FELT right. He stepped forward into Phil’s arms, and although he felt a flash of initial fear, he refused to pull back and instead fell further in, and he was soon enveloped in warmth and safety rather than cold, harsh fear. 

And then he started to cry. And cries became sobs, and he couldn’t stop himself. 

“Oh, fuck, I’m so sorry!” Phil exclaimed, pulling back, but Dan refused to let go. He couldn’t get a word out, but he shook his head and Phil understood. He ran his hand through Dan’s hair like a mother comforting her son, and although Dan found it a bit odd, it was exactly what he needed. 

When he pulled back from Phil, he said two simple words that he felt he and Phil had each uttered way too many times for a first date: “I’m sorry.” He took a deep breath, preparing himself to let it all out--to tell Phil everything that had happened to him, to explain all of his flaws in one go so Phil would know exactly what he was dealing with from the start. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to say it; even after all this that Phil had been through with him, he was worried that if he knew the truth, if he knew how truly fucked up Dan was, that he wouldn’t want to see him again. But Dan knew that after all this he didn’t really have a choice, so he opened his mouth again to start. 

“It’s okay,” Phil interrupted. “You don’t have to explain yourself,” he added, as if he could read Dan’s mind. 

Phil opened Dan’s car door before he could even process the situation he was in and ushered Dan into the car. He closed the door behind him and began to walk away, but Dan’s renewed sense of impulse rushed back. “Phil, wait!” Phil turned back to look at him, confusion evident on his face. “After all this, I should at least give you a ride home.”  
Phil hesitated for a moment before climbing into Dan’s passenger seat. It was silent for a moment before Phil finally said, “Are you going to start the car?” 

Dan shrugged. “I dunno. Eventually, yeah. But I kinda just wanna sit here right now.” 

Phil nodded a bit before suddenly sitting up straight. “Hey, it’s snowing!” 

Dan focused on a dark building a few feet away and saw snowflakes falling down in front of it. “Yeah, that happens in December sometimes,” Dan laughed. 

“But it’s the first snow of the year!” Phil exclaimed, giddy like a schoolboy. “Now I can really start feeling festive.” 

“Oh?” Dan asked, grinning a bit. 

“My family always watches the same few movies while we’re together for Christmas, but I love to watch some others on my own before the holidays really begin.” Phil went on and on about the movies he needed to dig out of his closet (Dan didn’t really understand why he didn’t just watch them on Netflix, but he chose not to bring it up) and the hot chocolate he was going to drink as the snow fell, and Dan couldn’t help but to start crying again. It was one of those effects that nobody could quite explain, when after you’ve cried so intensely, you’re so emotionally vulnerable that any relatively strong emotion can bring you back to tears. This time, he felt joy. He felt truly safe listening to Phil talk about stupid Christmas movies that Dan hadn’t watched in years, and nothing could pull him out of that. It was so beautiful to him that he just smiled as the tears rolled down his cheeks. 

Dan laughed, comfortably letting more tears fall as he reacted to Phil’s love of the movie Elf. 

“What? Do you know how dark that movie actually is?” Dan asked, more than willing to dive into the lore of odd Christmas movies starring Will Ferrell. It was a bright conversation, and it felt normal. Normalcy was more than enough for Dan, especially in a situation he expected to be one of the worst experiences of his life. 

“What are you talking about?” Phil laughs, noticing Dan’s tears and choosing to ignore them. Dan was thankful; he was happier ignoring them himself. Phil seemed to understand him more than anyone else did, even after only an hour. 

“The fucking elf nearly jumps off the bridge! Pay attention next time. How could you not have caught that? The movie came out when we were teenagers, so you can't say you were too young to understand.” 

Phil shrugs. “I guess I’m just an optimist.” 

Dan never would have guessed. 

“Oh, shit, it’s 8:00!” Dan said after a glance at his phone. “We’ve been talking for two hours.” 

“I guess I just like you that much,” Phil said with a smile. 

“So...second date?” Dan asked, and he surprised himself with how calm he was. Asking was only a formality; he already knew the answer. 

“ASAP,” Phil said, and this time Dan didn’t mind when he grabbed his hand. Dan would have liked to hold it as long as possible, but he did sort of have to drive the car, so he separated after only a few seconds.

“Where am I dropping you off?” 

As Dan tried his best to piece together Phil's endearingly terrible attempts at directions, Dan started his car, and a new, much happier chapter of his life.

**Author's Note:**

> reblog on tumblr here: https://queerdaniel.tumblr.com/post/189981635621/begin-again


End file.
